Fast, Hard, and True
For love to live, lies scabbing, cant exist.Soft skin on skin, hot words in every ear,To pick them only causes to subsist -Be comforting in lovers hearts, no fear.Im creeping slow like growing alien...
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In line 1, perhaps a comma after "lies"? (Otherwise, one gets lost, right at the outset -- at least, I did.)Lines 3-4 strike me as awkward. They don't advance the ball, or, if they do, they require...
View ArticleRe: Fast, Hard, and True
IMO this sonnet has really good potential. Fab title. Agree w/Grady about lines 3&4. I'd omit all tree bark/scab imagery and open the sonnet with: "I'm creeping slow like growing alien moss". It's...
View ArticleRe: Fast, Hard, and True
Oh dear.You're concentrating so hard on getting the form that you're forgetting that what you are writing has to make sense. This is mostly written in near-gobblydegook.Read through what you written...
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Hi Jersey's right, the starting point for this has got to be the alien moss line.Maz is right too, much of this simply does not make sense. Either you've got to go for some radical, syntax crunching...
View ArticleRe: Fast, Hard, and True
yes...listen to Alan and Grasshopper about "making sense." Convey your thoughts as clearly as possible. Avoid obtuse metaphors & allow your own "voice" to come out. Hints of your "voice" are...
View ArticleRe: Fast, Hard, and True
Hi ~This sonnet has potential, but I was confused on reading the first line. Don't forget the start of a poem is what really draws the reader in. I have to agree with others that your second stanza...
View ArticleRe: Fast, Hard, and True
Thank you all for your critiques. I have poured over the varous notions, and viewpoints. I appreciate the feedback. I have used it as a counter-point to my own vision, while sculpting this...
View ArticleRe: Fast, Hard, and True
well...I like "I'm creeping...slow....like thirsty alien moss"as an opener. You don't, apparently. That's it for me on this poem. Maybe others will offer assistance.
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